Friday, October 24, 2008
♥ Raining Blood
So much.. How do I survive it?
I haven't spoken to him, like.. really talk to him for over a week now. I hate him for it, but at the same time, I know he has a life outside of me. I hate that, too. I'm a selfish bitch that wants him for myself. I'm a selfish bitch who sometimes thinks of somehow instigating a fight between him and his wife to start a chain reaction that may trigger a divorce. How cruel and selfish am I?
But.. am I worth his wife? Am I worth his friends there in Wyoming to come here and see me instead? Am I worth the money and time spent to leave his wife, the hassle of figuring out who's it what and everything, and then finding a new job here in Ames or Des Moines? What am I worth to you, Ron?
This pain is a stabbing one. I finally broke and spilled it out to my counselor. She was constantly poking at me, wanting me to suddenly let the dam go and spill out all its secrets.
I vomitted it up like a bad meal.
She knows everything to how I love him so desperately, to how I want to challenge his wife, but at the same time.. how I fear what she would do. Would she come with a gun to Ames and shoot me? What would be her reaction?
There are two things holding me back from being so selfish. One. Ron's sanity. That's number one on the list. Two. My safety. With all the information out on the internet, I'm certain she could track me down using Google Earth or something like that. I'm very easy to find. Funny how I fear one person when millions in this virtual world could find me and rape me.
I still suffer fantasies.
I still ache for his touches, his blood, my teeth in his skin and nails in his back.
They're still there. All of it. And I hate myself for it.
I'm very confused. Very. I don't know what to think of Ron or anyone else in the way of a lover.
Shelby asked me about the chances of falling for him.
I felt put on the spot, uncomfortable, because I didn't know. I'm still convinced it may not happen, but anything is possible.
I go home this weekend. Ha.. I laugh when I think about how much my parents know. It's so funny. They don't even know about my lip ring. That will be very interesting when Mom pulls up in the gray Malibu to pick my brother and I up. I'll probably get some crap, but I most likely will be in no mood to take that from her.
It's stupid, though, because she has no idea how much other shit is on my mind.. NO idea..
I've found myself skipping Chinese sometimes. I want sleep more. I don't want to get up and go out into the cold, wet reality and face my problems. I want to stay in my warm bed where dreams are reality, and there's hope for anything.
I have a refill of Zoloft now. I was running low.
To think how I would be without these small.. 50mg.. pills of chemicals that my brain lacks..
Currently, with all the pain and suffering I'm going through WITH them in my system? I'm betting I would have killed myself by now. Or done something stupid. Like find some kind of money to get my ass out to Wyoming, missing days of classes and work just to lay my eyes on Ron.
I'm staying on these pills.
I haven't spoken to him, like.. really talk to him for over a week now. I hate him for it, but at the same time, I know he has a life outside of me. I hate that, too. I'm a selfish bitch that wants him for myself. I'm a selfish bitch who sometimes thinks of somehow instigating a fight between him and his wife to start a chain reaction that may trigger a divorce. How cruel and selfish am I?
But.. am I worth his wife? Am I worth his friends there in Wyoming to come here and see me instead? Am I worth the money and time spent to leave his wife, the hassle of figuring out who's it what and everything, and then finding a new job here in Ames or Des Moines? What am I worth to you, Ron?
This pain is a stabbing one. I finally broke and spilled it out to my counselor. She was constantly poking at me, wanting me to suddenly let the dam go and spill out all its secrets.
I vomitted it up like a bad meal.
She knows everything to how I love him so desperately, to how I want to challenge his wife, but at the same time.. how I fear what she would do. Would she come with a gun to Ames and shoot me? What would be her reaction?
There are two things holding me back from being so selfish. One. Ron's sanity. That's number one on the list. Two. My safety. With all the information out on the internet, I'm certain she could track me down using Google Earth or something like that. I'm very easy to find. Funny how I fear one person when millions in this virtual world could find me and rape me.
I still suffer fantasies.
I still ache for his touches, his blood, my teeth in his skin and nails in his back.
They're still there. All of it. And I hate myself for it.
I'm very confused. Very. I don't know what to think of Ron or anyone else in the way of a lover.
Shelby asked me about the chances of falling for him.
I felt put on the spot, uncomfortable, because I didn't know. I'm still convinced it may not happen, but anything is possible.
I go home this weekend. Ha.. I laugh when I think about how much my parents know. It's so funny. They don't even know about my lip ring. That will be very interesting when Mom pulls up in the gray Malibu to pick my brother and I up. I'll probably get some crap, but I most likely will be in no mood to take that from her.
It's stupid, though, because she has no idea how much other shit is on my mind.. NO idea..
I've found myself skipping Chinese sometimes. I want sleep more. I don't want to get up and go out into the cold, wet reality and face my problems. I want to stay in my warm bed where dreams are reality, and there's hope for anything.
I have a refill of Zoloft now. I was running low.
To think how I would be without these small.. 50mg.. pills of chemicals that my brain lacks..
Currently, with all the pain and suffering I'm going through WITH them in my system? I'm betting I would have killed myself by now. Or done something stupid. Like find some kind of money to get my ass out to Wyoming, missing days of classes and work just to lay my eyes on Ron.
I'm staying on these pills.
♥ My
doll smiled.
8:19 AM
2 commented
8:19 AM
2 commented