Monday, September 22, 2008
♥ Something I Can Never Have
So much happened. It was a zooming bullet busting through my heart, but carrying with it many problems that infected my body. A load was taken off of me.
I talked to a person, one that could help me. She made appointments for me to see other people, other doctors that could make me well, or.. at least function well like I used to.
I never realized, but when I think back, when I saw a therapist years ago, why didn't I see it? The mood swings, the sudden anger or depression. They were apparent to me back in the days of high school, particularly eighth grade through tenth. Those years.. were such.. hell.
Teasing, left and right, a boyfriend whom I was madly in love with that wished for only one thing from me, and later, he gets it. Constant up and downs in friendships. No one was a real friend to me in that school. No one. Even the friend whom I knew from first grade can simply brush me aside for even doing nothing to her.
Those people are not true friends to me.
These symptoms that I feel with such vivid trains, each slamming into me with its depression, its happiness, its bitchiness. It's not as hurting as it was before last Wednesday, but the loads are getting heavier again. Why?
I dumped my boyfriend.
He, who dumped me back in high school, who proclaimed to be so madly in love with me..
I dropped him. And I feel horrid.
I've seen the scars about his skin. I've seen his behavior after his original love left him. But.. he wasn't the man he used to be. He changed into something that I no longer feel so strongly anymore.
At least I don't feel as guilty for loving someone else. Something I can never have.
I don't have to worry about hurting him with my lies, his wasting money on me. This ring he gave to me, I must return. I hope he may give it to someone else that can love him so strongly in return.
That's one knife out of my skin. The knife that has been stabbed into my chest for weeks with infection well set lose. When I write to him that I didn't love him, that knife was pulled out. It hurt all too much to pull it out, but healing has begun.
The BIG problem.. is no longer such a big problem. Aside from his side of things. Yeah, he's got problems. Me, I'm a single woman. And I'm not looking for anyone really. There's only one person on my radar, and he's untouchable. Sadly.
The cold, hard slap of reality.
I fucking hate reality.
I talked to a person, one that could help me. She made appointments for me to see other people, other doctors that could make me well, or.. at least function well like I used to.
I never realized, but when I think back, when I saw a therapist years ago, why didn't I see it? The mood swings, the sudden anger or depression. They were apparent to me back in the days of high school, particularly eighth grade through tenth. Those years.. were such.. hell.
Teasing, left and right, a boyfriend whom I was madly in love with that wished for only one thing from me, and later, he gets it. Constant up and downs in friendships. No one was a real friend to me in that school. No one. Even the friend whom I knew from first grade can simply brush me aside for even doing nothing to her.
Those people are not true friends to me.
These symptoms that I feel with such vivid trains, each slamming into me with its depression, its happiness, its bitchiness. It's not as hurting as it was before last Wednesday, but the loads are getting heavier again. Why?
I dumped my boyfriend.
He, who dumped me back in high school, who proclaimed to be so madly in love with me..
I dropped him. And I feel horrid.
I've seen the scars about his skin. I've seen his behavior after his original love left him. But.. he wasn't the man he used to be. He changed into something that I no longer feel so strongly anymore.
At least I don't feel as guilty for loving someone else. Something I can never have.
I don't have to worry about hurting him with my lies, his wasting money on me. This ring he gave to me, I must return. I hope he may give it to someone else that can love him so strongly in return.
That's one knife out of my skin. The knife that has been stabbed into my chest for weeks with infection well set lose. When I write to him that I didn't love him, that knife was pulled out. It hurt all too much to pull it out, but healing has begun.
The BIG problem.. is no longer such a big problem. Aside from his side of things. Yeah, he's got problems. Me, I'm a single woman. And I'm not looking for anyone really. There's only one person on my radar, and he's untouchable. Sadly.
The cold, hard slap of reality.
I fucking hate reality.
♥ My
doll smiled.
10:03 AM
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10:03 AM
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